When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
