Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
