i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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