she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
