Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
