genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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