And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
