yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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