My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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