I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
