i love accidental penises.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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