can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
