Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
