the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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