He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
