I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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