When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
