We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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