I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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