I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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