In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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