Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
