My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
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