I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
