I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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