one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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