he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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