the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
