Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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