I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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