trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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