He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
