you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
