I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
