my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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