Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
