i think i have two assholes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
