You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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