Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think my fart just growled at me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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