The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
