Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
