The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
