I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
