I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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