i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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