my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
