he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
