ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
