just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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