If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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